Is Your Child a Cyberstalker?

With the dawn of social networking sites like Facebook, cyberbullying and cyberstalking have become common place among adolescents who may think posting their unchecked emotions publically doesn’t have consequences.

An article in TeenVogue.com states, “Stalking a crush online, it seems, is the modern version of driving past his house – but with the added bonus of anonymity.”

Checking up on a crush seems harmless. But when kids update their public status to gain support or berate someone, they could be setting up an unsuspecting friend to deal with unwarranted online aggression.

Parents should be aware of what their minor children are posting on public social sites. Without adult supervision, cyberstalking can quickly turn into cyberbullying with kids creating drama and situations that pit a child against their school-friends. The situation could escalate to receiving violent cyber threats.

According to a publication by the University of Florida, “Teens who cyberbully may feel that cyberspace is an impersonal place to vent, and, therefore, consider it less harmful than face-to-face bullying. Examples include middle school teens starting a poll with their classmates casting online votes for the ugliest girl in the school.”

Parents Talk asks: What would you do if you found out your child was involved in this dangerous activity?

Tonia Accetta: Our local schools have been discussing sexual harassment with the student body, but cyber issues are still thought of as a non-school issue. Situations that in the past were quite sweet and innocent have now been escalated to a new level. In the past you may have told your friend and passed a few notes in class, now the entire school, even the community, can know about your new crush with a few clicks of the mouse. Unwanted attention in such a public forum can be very damaging to our fragile teenagers and can be the start of bullying from peers, and lead to great stress for the student targeted. Remember to keep the school in the loop with cyber issues your child may be experiencing and try to contact parents of any other children who are involved. A new law was passed in July in California to protect our kids against cyber attacks, but it may not be tough enough with a suspension from school as the only result. At that point the damage to a teen's reputation and self esteem may already have been done.

Kurt Sauter: My boys are young so they don’t have Facebook, Twitter or even email accounts. Their activities are not available to others online and they don’t get the chance to “stalk” anyone.

I can see how it is important to supervise your children online. The elementary school already uses computer accounts for various educational purposes and my boys go online. I make sure that they are supervised when they are on the computer. They use the computer in a common area when I am around and I check what they are doing. I don’t know how I will handle electronic media as they get older. It is definitely a concern. Right now I am focused on making sure they understand respect for others. We talk about bullying and how to treat other people properly. Hopefully a proper attitude, some technological controls, and adult supervision and checkups will keep cyber stalking under control.

Preventing them from being stalked is somewhat harder. Forbidding them from having any social media accounts at any age does not build or demonstrate trust. Once they are engaged in that, they become vulnerable. I guess I will have to listen for advice from those who are dealing with it.

Tam Dorow: There are so many aspects to parenting that sometimes one or two fall off our radar screen. Like cyberstalking. It's not something we would engage in and probably don't know about ourselves. Nonetheless, we have to be knowledgeable. Online interactions should follow the same set of legal, social and moral rules as in off-line life.

• If it's illegal, don't do it.
• If it's socially not acceptable to do or to have it done to you, don't do it. Would it make you feel creepy or icky? Stop now!
• If it's morally grey or black, don't do it. You know what I'm talking about. With the exception of the small percentage of psychopaths, most people have developed a set of moral values. If you don't know what they are, look inside your soul, you'll find them.

Remember, the target is a human being too. Online he may only be a name, an ID, or a photo but he has feelings, good days and bad days, vulnerable moments, and hormones, just like you do.

As a parent, I try to remind my children of these rules as I go forth in the world but I also make it a point to talk about applying these rules to social networking. I ask my daughter to log into her Facebook and we randomly read some of the postings, talk about what the person might have been feeling when she wrote them and the real or potential consequences of some of them. I try to explain to her the seemingly benign comments that are actually just as destructive, such as the funny “Fiesty ;)” comments attached to a morally and socially unacceptable posting. This little comment condones the original bad behavior and could cause additional pain to the target. Also, we talk about the motivation behind those little comments. Then I step back and let her draw her own conclusions, with occassional wellness checks in the future.

Suzette Valle: A few years ago, I recall being quite surprised when two 11-year-old girls showed up at our doorstep asking for our son. This meant the two youngsters hopped on a public bus, paid their fare and traveled seven miles from their home to reach our front door. I immediately asked myself, do their parents know where they are?

Reading teens' postings online sometimes makes me feel the same way. Being online at this tender age requires us parents to be even more vigilant about what our children are doing on their laptops besides homework. Talking to them about appropriate behavior and cyber-etiquette could save many hurt feelings, and safeguard our children from being or becoming stalked.

Tonia Accetta is stay-at-home mom of a teenage boy and a preteen girl. She moved to Coronado in 2002 with her husband of 15 years.

 Tam Dorow emigrated from Vietnam when she was 10. She worked at all of the Big 3 U.S. car companies and has been a stay-at-home mom of two for the last 10 years.

Kurt Sauter is a father of two sons, works part-time as a chief engineer and system architect and volunteers with Coronado youth sports organizations.

Suzette Valle is a 20-year Coronado resident who was recognized by Time Warner as one of the local “50 Best Moms” in 2006. She has appeared on the Dr. Phil Show and blogs at MamarazziKnowsBest.com.